


the places you just can't reach

by victuurikatsu



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, If let's end this was kicked up a few notches, M/M, Mention of a Car Accident, Temporary Amnesia, Way too much fluff in the airport but hey they're in love~
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victuurikatsu/pseuds/victuurikatsu
Summary: Yuuri finds himself back in Hasetsu trying his best to remember a life he so desperately wants to reach.





	the places you just can't reach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RTengu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RTengu/gifts).



>   
> q(╯ᆺ╰๑) On the topic of angst, it's still something I'm exploring. For this one, I wanted to explore the amnesia trope while using little calls and bits to the show and what I've found out, the little nuances really do build up to to convey just so much love, and if it is lost, there is a way for it to return every single time.  
>   
> I had the pleasure of working with [@r-tengu](https://rtengu.tumblr.com/) who delivered such a beautiful gut-wrenching piece, I am so impressed and in love with your style and I thank you so much again for collaborating with me!  
>   
> Another special thank you to [Chrome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrome) and [Kaleigh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocoloki/) for the thorough beta and encouragement. <3  
>   
> This is also my chance to say to you the reader, I'm sorry. _( ┐「ε:)_  
> 

“You should keep this.” Yuuri whispered.

His hands were shaking as he delicately placed the other half of something round and golden in Victor’s hands. The metal still felt warm as Victor clenched it in his fists, trying his best to steady his breathing. However, no matter how hard he tried to focus on filling his lungs, Victor couldn’t deny how much it felt like a punch to the gut.

“But I didn’t…” Victor began.

“I know you didn’t buy them. I looked through my credit card statements and saw I was paying this off in installments.” Yuuri interrupted. He looked sullen and casted his gaze down to the paneling of the hardwood floors. “I wish I could catch up, but everything feels too overwhelming and I- I can’t keep existing here knowing how much it hurts you.”

There were many things in life that Victor felt he could handle. He could handle pouring his entire being into a career that elevated him to new heights. He could handle losing sight of his inspiration, not realizing how much of his freedom and soul he was keeping chained down to the parameters of his success, he could handle yearning for a man with honey brown eyes who dared to sweep him off of his feet, taking his breath away while rendering him equal parts speechless when he uttered four words that changed his life, “Be my coach, Victor.”

It’s these four words that haunted Victor presently as he stared back at those same honey brown eyes now, the very same ones that used to look at him with such admiration and longing. The same ones that looked like they held all the hope and gratitude Victor needed to resurface. Now when he looked at them, they looked forlorn and anguished. They still looked like they were shimmering, but only in the way that one’s eyes would glisten when they were about to fall apart. Yuuri’s eyes were glazed over with tears and Victor couldn’t bear it, because if they fell he couldn’t comfort him, not the way he used to.

Victor swore his heart was cracking out of his chest.

He stood before a man who couldn’t remember the last two years of his life. He stood in front of a Yuuri he had already once experienced and would have been glad to do so again. But he could see Yuuri’s resolve was being crushed under the immense pressure of expectations he hadn’t known he was setting. Of course he wanted Yuuri back, but he didn’t want it at the cost of losing him as he was now. His Yuuri was still very much the same one who stood in front of him, but he was missing bits and pieces of their life together. The parts that knew just how much he loved him. This Yuuri, who was on the brink of tears but could not place why, was bravely taking the brunt of the confusion, and all on his own.

Victor placed the ring on the living room table and made a quick grab for his scarf and coat. Makkachin gently pawed at him, whining slowly, she could sense something was amiss. The truth of it was, she was desperately trying to get him to crouch down to lick away the tears that were forming in his eyes. Victor couldn’t bring himself to turn around, even as he felt the burn of Yuuri’s touch on his shoulder beckoning him to turn around. He had resigned himself to what he wished wasn’t inevitable, and he had to keep a brave face.

“I’ll take you to the airport.”

* * *

The evening that changed the course of their lives, went as any other night would have. Once practice was over, Yuuri would be showered with compliments from Victor who was so proud of his progress, while Yakov was waiting on the sidelines waiting to lecture them both on how sloppy their form was.

They’d snicker as they endured his visceral grunting and got ready for the incessantly angry words that spewed from him until he was blue in the face. Victor would have his arm wrapped around Yuuri’s waist and Yuuri would subtly interlace his hand with Victor’s. When the lecture is finally completed, they’d rush off together to the locker room to find an oasis of warmth in their coats and bundled up further to get ready for their usual trek home.

“What should we pick up for dinner tonight?” Victor asked.

“Eh? I thought I’d cook.” Yuuri responded before tossing Victor one of his scarves.

The man smirked and playfully looped the garment around Yuuri’s neck, drawing him in closer.

“If that’ll make you happy. What are you planning on making?” Victor asked, hovering a few centimeters from his face.

Yuuri remained dazed for a moment, still getting used to the proximity even after all the time that had passed. They were already married and had done far more intimate things but the closeness, it still took his breath away.

“Whatever you’re in the mood for,” Yuuri replied simply.

“What if I say you?” Victor purred.

Yuuri laughed at the notion, playfully shoving him away. “Behave, maybe later,” he quipped, and Victor was smitten once again.

As a proper cool down, Victor and Yuuri opted to walk back to their home together, mainly to enjoy pockets of peace they would find in being able to recall the day, while stealing kisses every other time they had to cross the street. Sometimes they would go off about techniques they were hoping to accomplish, other times they would gush about something cute Makkachin had done. Filled with the warmth of the comfort from being around each other, Victor noticed the usual snow falling from the sky and opted to encircle his arms around Yuuri to keep him warm.

“V-Victor!” Yuuri mustered out.

“It’s to protect you from the cold,” he chuckled.

As they made it to the end of the walkway waiting for the pedestrian sign to turn green, Victor faced Yuuri and pressed his forehead against the lining of Yuuri’s wool hat.This time Yuuri doesn’t protest from the closeness, it was much too cold outside after all. Life was blissful, his love was constantly overflowing and Victor couldn’t have wanted anything more.

“Every day with you has been an adventure Yuuri, where do you think we’ll go next?” Victor asked.

Yuuri mulled over the thought for a moment, before drawing his hands up to rest against the broadness of Victor’s shoulders.

“Wherever it may be, as long as it’s with you, I’ll be grateful,” Yuuri replied.

Overcome with another fit of overflowing emotion, Victor noticed the pedestrian light had turned from green back to red and took it as a cue to succumb to another kiss from his beloved. Soft and smooth lips graced his own and he thought once again how he could never want anything more. As they pulled away, Victor much too needy for his own good was about to go in for another, when Yuuri’s eyes widened.

It happened all at once, too quick for any sense to be made from it. A car going far too fast skidded onto the curb just a few mere feet away from them. The driver wasn’t able to stop in time and Yuuri was the one to throw himself in front of the oncoming impact. Victor couldn’t see where he was, he could only see the blearing light from the headlight of the car, the blur of white snow still falling mercilessly from the sky. He could hear the sound of a car horn seemingly stuck in place, screams and cries from onlookers requesting help and to call an ambulance.

He couldn’t see Yuuri, he couldn’t hear Yuuri. And everything went black.

* * *

It was dark outside still as Victor drove Yuuri to the nearest airport, a carry-on nestled on his lap. The same passing street lights that once were accented with their ample laughter passed by the faster Victor drove until they finally made it to the entrance for departures. Victor placed his hazards on and walked Yuuri in to make sure he was properly settled in with check-ins. He waited briefly as Yuuri turned to look at the pathway that would take him to the necessary gate and then back at Victor. He awkwardly slung the strap of his bag over his shoulder and looked down once again. Yuuri was thankful for the face mask that hovered from his nose down, and adamantly hoped it would be enough to make sure Victor wouldn’t have to see his frown.

Victor took a step towards Yuuri and gave him a warm smile. “If you need anything, I’m always a phone call away.”

“Why would you still let me contact you--after everything?” Yuuri whispered.

“Because,” Victor murmured, “I’ll always be your coach, Yuuri. Even if I can’t be your lover, or even your friend. I’m your coach.”

A notification from Yuuri’s phone prompted him to head towards security in order to get to his gate. Victor took a step back, waving fondly at him, using his camera ready facial expression to avoid breaking down. For some reason, Yuuri felt a form of desperation from viewing the expression that made him exclaim something truly surprising.

“You don’t have to smile like that, not when you don’t feel it. Just be...just be Victor!” Yuuri blurted out.

Victor couldn’t bring himself to say another word but simply nodded as he watched Yuuri hurry away along with his confusion, past the point where he couldn’t see him anymore. It was only then that Victor finally allowed the tears to fall freely down his face. He allowed the guttural pain to consume him from his toes up to his temples. Just be Victor? Of course he could do that, he had tried his hardest to remain the way he was. But things had changed so drastically after Yuuri lost his memories, that Victor felt he was beginning to lose part of himself. A part of him that lived in the Yuuri that didn’t presently exist.

He didn’t know when Yuuri would be returning, but he knew this was for the best. It had to be.

* * *

_BrZzzzz!_

Vibration was the first thing that jolted Yuuri up from his slumber, his phone being the item that created the movement in the first place. Yuuri suddenly then became aware of a cold sweat that stained and caused the fabric of his undershirt to cling desperately to him, then came the tears that watered up in his eyes. After all of the time that had passed, it still felt foreign to him, crying for something, a feeling that he couldn't quite recall. He had to remember to breathe. He could do that much couldn’t he? Slowly, Yuuri focused on the way his diaphragm moved as he took in a deep breath, then exhaled harder all at once. It’d been a couple of weeks since his return to Hasetsu, and normally he would have been up and ready to train for the next skating season, but now wasn’t the time, especially after he had agreed with Victor to put out a press release, one that announced his need for some personal time in order to attend to a private matter. Unlocking his phone, Yuuri looked at the notifications and foolishly swiped for the news application.

_Katsuki Yuuri looking into an early retirement? Is the car accident to blame?_  
No sight of Katsuki Yuuri at the Russian Rink fuels rumors of impending turmoil!  
Victor Nikiforov spotted without something round and golden?!  
Are Victor Nikiforov and Katsuki Yuuri calling it quits?

As he viewed the last article, he scrolled curiously reading the "facts" that the tabloids swore were true. Yuuri left in the middle of the night, Victor had been the one to drop him off. They did not hug, but sources claimed they could see Victor being visibly shaken from the ordeal. Yuuri was tempted to click on the “read more” option, because he hadn't known that Victor had reacted that way, which made him feel even worse than before. He hadn't heard from Victor in weeks and he thought it was best to keep it that way. He'd clearly already hurt him enough from physically existing in Piter with him while not mentally being there. He quickly swiped away at the notifications until he was back on his home screen. The photo that greeted him was a picture of himself with Makkachin and Victor. He stared at the version of him that seemed so light and happy, how it appeared so easy for his former self to lean onto Victor, like the crutch he had always been looking for. He gripped his chest at the sight and abruptly shut the phone down altogether before laying down on his back, arms stretched out in restlessness.

"Remember something, anything," Yuuri murmured.

The unfortunate truth of it all though was as much as he begged his mind to unlock, as he had for the weeks, it failed him. He failed and that was a visceral feeling that started from the pit of his stomach up to his temples. He failed, and there was no way to reverse the stinging that coursed through him. Once upon a time, Yuuri had thought placing last at the Grand Prix Final was the absolute worst thing that could have happened to him, but being in this state, this was much worse. He was Japan’s Ace, he had won silver at the 2016 Grand Prix Final in Barcelona, he was engaged to the living legend Victor Nikiforov, they shortly got married in a private ceremony the following year after Yuuri had won consecutive golds at Worlds and the 2017 Grand Prix Final, but all those memories, all those achievements, they were lost somewhere in a void that Yuuri could not reach into in order to pull them back out. The last thing he could recall was staring at Victor in Sochi, downtrodden because he had asked for a commemorative photo.

When he felt up to it, Yuuri went for his usual run. It was one of the only things that kept him grounded these days. When he ran, all he had to focus on was moving forward and breathing. Occasionally, he would stop if his calves burned from the overexertion, and he would take in the beautiful sight of Hasetsu. The home he'd known for most of his life that now had the task of keeping him cradled within its confines until he felt ready to try again. As Yuuri ran, he looked on at the scenic view that Hasetsu had to offer. He stopped briefly to tie his shoe at the bridge that would lead him to Ice Castle Hasetsu when he heard a bell ringing. He looked around and saw no one else but pedestrians taking their daily strolls around the town. He must have been hallucinating. He kicked down at the toe part of his shoes to align himself properly into the soles and heard the bell ringing even louder this time. Yuuri looked behind him once again and when he brought his attention forward he saw a yellow bicycle, the rider had on grey jogger suit, it blended perfectly in with his...silver hair? Victor?

Yuuri made a run towards the bicycle, but no matter how fast he was it got further and further away from him. He was able to keep up without losing momentum or his breath, but desperation was set in his nerves. Why was he seeing Victor here? A few strides away from the end of the bridge, Yuuri looked over his shoulder to the glistening waters and then back in front to find that image was gone. The faint sound of the bell ringing in the distance along with a soft and inviting laughter.

_“Come on, Yuuri, we don’t want to be late for today’s lesson!”_

Yuuri drew in a breath before gasping in both fright and surprise. He had heard it clear as day and knew for a fact that the statement was in Victor’s voice. But he wasn’t here presently, what on earth was happening?

* * *

The sound of the seagulls crying drew him back into the peace that he desperately sought, the sound of the waves crashing against the land would surely be enough to ward off any of the weird sounds and visions he was having, wouldn't it?

He ran along the coastline, keeping his breath even before he found that it stalled. He blinked twice to be sure he wasn't going insane, but he saw them, two figures that surely couldn’t have been there. The reason being, one of them was Victor, petting an obedient Makkachin who was eagerly waiting for him to throw a stick. Another reason was because the next figure beside him was himself, wound up in doubt.

_“No one thinks you’re weak Yuuri.”_ He could hear Victor speak from across the distance.

A few more beats and soon Victor was looking out to the water, a fond smile on his face. _“What do you want me to be to you? A father figure?”_

“No.”

_“A brother then? A friend?”_

Yuuri’s shoulders slumped down in indecision, those terms wouldn’t work either.

_“Then your lover, I guess. I can try my best.”_

“No, no, no, no, no!” Yuuri exclaimed. “I want you to stay who are, Victor! I’ve always looked up to you, I ignored you because I didn’t want you see my shortcomings.”

_“Fine, I won’t let you down easy then. That’s how I show my love.”_

Shaken, Yuuri took a few steps towards the space where he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had seen himself and Victor. Was it finally happening? Was he regaining the moments that felt lost to the wind? He couldn't help but feel a longing in his heart for Victor, how even then he was so patient with him. What had he done to deserve that from him?

After a few more minutes, Yuuri took out his phone, powering it on and scrolled until he landed on Victor's name. He pressed the green call button, waiting for an answer. It was almost instant.

“Yuuri?” His voice filled with concern.

“H-hi, Victor,” Yuuri replied, nervously. What if he sounded crazy?

“Are you okay?” Victor pressed on.

“I-yeah, I’m okay. I just- well, I-” Yuuri began. “If you said you wouldn’t let me down easy, if you said that’s how you show your love, why did you let me come back home?”

A long string of silence passed until Victor let out a sigh of relief and chuckled. “You remembered that?”

Yuuri’s shoulders tensed up as Victor’s words confirmed the phenomenon that was happening. His memories were slowly trickling in, but not at the rate that would give Victor ease, it truly wasn’t that far along. “I-I haven’t seen much else besides being here with you in Hasetsu. But...Victor, you didn’t give up on me, did you?” Yuuri asked.

“Give up on you? Never. Not in a million years,” Victor replied.

“Then why does this feel like the easy way out? Being apart like this?”

“Nothing about being apart from you has been easy Yuuri.” Victor quipped. “But I don’t want to burden you with those feelings. Not until you’ve fully recovered, and I hold onto faith that you will.”

“Why?” Yuuri asked, his voice shaking from an emotion that he felt in his entire soul.

It took a moment for Victor to answer, but when he did, the words that fell from his lips were sweeter than any symphony of sound that Yuuri could ever recall. “I chose you Yuuri, and I would choose you every single time, regardless of the odds and chances I'd have at being with you. Even if you never remembered me in that way, I would still choose you every single time Yuuri," Victor said.

"And you don't regret that?" Yuuri asked solemnly.

Another chuckle and Victor pushed on, "You’ve had me ensnared in your atmosphere the moment you looked at me, really looked at me. With hope... I won’t tell you when that was though, maybe it’s something you might prefer to forget.”

For the first time in a while, Yuuri felt a smile form on his lips. The ease of the conversation was drawing him to a feeling he knew well. He was tired of feeling sorry, he was tired of being depressed and fearful for what was to come. He wanted action, and he wanted it now. Knowing that Victor held onto this much hope for him, it made Yuuri want to find a solution. It made him want to get over the gap that kept him from remembering. He felt that same burning determination again. He desperately wanted to remember all of it, he always had.

“I’ll remember the rest soon Victor, I promise,” he said.

“I know you will, I’ll look forward to that call.”

Hanging up, Yuuri tapped the top of the phone to his lips and began brainstorming. Where could he go to stoke more feelings, more memories? The only other place he could think of was Ice Castle Hasetsu. He thought to himself, perhaps now he was finally ready to listen to the music that stirred such strong emotions in him. Another buzz came from his phone and he saw it was a text from Victor.

**> >Forgot to say it or maybe I was afraid to, but I love you. **

His hands shook at the three words that struck him the most, and foolishly Yuuri doesn't respond.

* * *

“The Aria? Are you sure?” Yuuko questioned.

Yuuri had specifically banned any songs that might trigger too many emotions that he couldn’t catch up with, but after his conversation with Victor, he knew he had to try. He was tired of feeling sorry for himself, tired of being bogged down by the accident that stole away a life he wished he could remember. The life that he knew Victor was clinging onto. As he tied together the laces of his skates, feeling the tightness around his feet, he nodded.

“If it gets too intense I’ll let you know,” he replied.

As he skated into the middle of the rink, Yuuri could feel his heart beating erratically once again. Then the swelling of the orchestral piece filled the rink and his head immediately snapped up to look at the ceiling.

He knew this routine, he had studied it endlessly and of all the pieces he mimicked it was a favorite of his. In all of his years trying to catch up to Victor, he was grateful for a piece that mirrored the longing he knew he felt about trying to be on the same ice as Victor. He knew the quads, he knew at the very least the emotion that he dived into to bring feeling into it. He was in deep longing, longing for the memories that would grant him peace once again. Longing for the guilt of not recovering to full capacity to leave him because it was nothing he could control. And then came the resentment, and he directed it at the driver who had lost control of their car, at the doctors who couldn’t provide a concrete timeline for his recovery, at himself for pushing himself too hard in vain.

The dramatic swell filled the space and Yuuri found himself in one of his infamous spins. Usually he focused on the technique but as he spun around images were appearing before him all over again. Heart shaped smiles, endless laughter, blushed faces, and a sense of home.

“Victor, don’t you want to see me perform a quadruple flip?

_“Yes! Yes I do!”_

As he spiraled out of his spin, he made an attempt and as he flipped he could hear Victor’s laughter, sense his warmth and all at once it dawned on him. The sessions at the rinks, the summer he spent navigating around existing with Victor as his coach. The events, the silver medals that turned into gold ones, Hasetsu, Barcelona, St. Petersburg, Victor.

Every other incident in between, from early morning soft laughter to late night passion, Yuuri felt his senses overflowing. He could hear applause ranging from screaming fans and announcers who announced his name tirelessly until they changed to the sounds of his family members and friends exclaiming his name as he looked up at eyes of blue, filled with love and home. His husband, his Victor.

The first thing Yuuri heard when he snapped out of his reverie was the sound of his skates skidding across the ice and then he could feel it from beneath him. The cold pressed back onto the nape of his neck. He desperately tried to regain his breath, and he could hear Yuuko immediately rushing it to be by his side.

“You said you’d tell me if it was too much!” She exclaimed.

“I remembered,” Yuuri murmured.

“What?” She replied, eyes widening with tears. “Are you sure?”

“You had to tell Axel, Lutz, and Loop not to sell our wedding photos to TMZ because you wouldn’t take the betrayal money, not in a million years,” Yuuri said.

Yuuko hugged him with a force that felt familiar and that he could easily place. Though he felt cold, though his limbs were shaking with the emotion and the intensity of it all, he had his memories. Now all he needed to do was show Victor what he had done.

**< < Could you book a flight into Fukuoka? I need to see you. **  
**> >I’ll be on the red eye in a few hours. **

* * *

Yuuri anxiously stood in the waiting area of Fukuoka airport, his body completely restless and burning with the sudden recognition of being apart from Victor. He had so much he had to say to him, but he didn’t know where to start. He was grateful that Victor hadn’t questioned why he was asking him to hop on the next flight back to Japan, even hesitate even for a moment.

He waited until the announcement over the intercom finally called out Victor’s flight number, signaling that it had arrived and landed safely. He waited as passengers began trickling out and he looked through the glass paneling, his heart beating out of his chest until it finally calmed at the sight of him.

Victor.

His hair was coiffed to the side, a slight mess no doubt from the longer flight and he was wearing black sunglasses. However it didn’t matter that he had them on because they wouldn’t be on much longer, not when Yuuri was staring directly at him. He quickly tore them away and their eyes locked, the realization sinking in for Victor. This trip wasn’t going to be another scenario where he’d had to walk on eggshells and have continued patience as Yuuri continued to recover, No, this trip was the one he had been waiting on for months. The one where he would get to return to the one he loved more than anything else in the world.

Within the next couple of seconds, they were running in tandem with each other, eyes never breaking contact as they raced to the automatic doors. Victor nearly slammed into the door before it could even open, but the smile on his face made up for it. They stood across from each other, both mimicking the impatient hopping as the door finally opened and Victor crossed it to approach Yuuri, cautiously.

“Yuuri?” Victor asked breathlessly.

“Vitya, come here, please,” Yuuri replied, voice cracking from the emotion of it all. “I’ve missed you, so so much.”

Victor didn’t hesitate for another second before he enveloped the man in his arms, his body shaking against Yuuri’s as they both cried from the relief of finding their way to each other once again. Victor placed a careful hand on Yuuri’s cheek, brushing away at any residual tears as Yuuri tried to do the same for him.

“You remember?” Victor asked in between breaths.

“Everything, my Vitya,” Yuuri cried out in delight.

Victor smiled and lifted up the man as they spun around in place. He didn’t care who looked, he didn’t care if anyone would catch them or reprimand them. As he placed Yuuri down, Victor immediately pressed a soft kiss into his mouth, relishing in the sweet taste of him, crying at the contact because of how he had missed it. Yuuri kissed him back with equal fervor, drawing his hands to sift through the tendrils of his hair. As they pulled apart, Yuuri kept his hand firmly on the back of Victor’s head, keeping their foreheads pressed against each other. He wanted to take in everything that he missed. Victor’s warmth, Victor’s cologne, Victor’s breathy chuckle, even the small blush that formed, and the way his eyes glistened as he looked at him.

“Yuuri.” Victor said, and it was all he had to ever say.

To solidify and strengthen their reunion at long last, Victor searched through a pocket inside his coat until he retrieved two golden rings. They looked even brighter than Yuuri had remembered and Victor was more eager than ever to slip it back on his finger where it rightfully belonged.

“You’re giving this to me here in the airport?” Yuuri asked fondly.

Victor laughed before nodding. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought about how much I truly loved you in this very spot.”

A gentle slip of the metal fit perfectly onto Yuuri’s ring finger, and Yuuri followed suit to slip the other ring back into Victor’s own. The feeling of completeness and being whole again sent Yuuri’s mind into a frenzy, he hoped so ardently that he would never ever be robbed of his memories again, especially when they were this sweet.

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Follow me on: [Tumblr](https://victuurikatsu.tumblr.com/) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/softestvitya)  
> 


End file.
